It is almost that time of the year again when all our brothers return home from “the abroad”. Soon, they will come from all parts of the world- America, Europe, The Philippines, Malaysia, South Africa and even Sudan- to celebrate Christmas.
It doesn’t matter where they come from, they will come with a black American accent. Even the ones that came from Sudan will come with pounds and dollars. Because the default currency for “the abroad” people is dollars. Abroad person that is spraying Cedis, is that one abroad person?
They will come to the village, and they will be at every ceremony spraying dollars and pounds. They will wear their starched laces and their original gold chains. I don’t care the authentic quality of the chain, but as long as it is from ‘the abroad’, it is original. They will bag chieftancy titles that ends with “Ego”.
They are the real MVPs. The Mr Steal-your-chic-and-convert-them-to-wife. They are always single looking for a wife at home. Yes, they are not bastards, they come back home to marry.
You have a boyfriend who is just a civil servant. Fresh young man who is just starting life. You think you love him until your mother tells you about Emeka, the “abroad guy” that just landed in town. She reminds you about how you both used to be really close friends before he left to ‘the abroad’ when you were just 3 months old. Mama tells you he wants to marry you. You take a look at Emeka and you see the glory of the Lord shining around him. You admire his British-American accent and his fresh money. You think about your boyfriend- mtchew, who “young man with Dreams” epp? You suddenly start hearing the voice of the Lord telling you that Emeka the abroad guy is the right one for you. You suddenly realize that at 23 you are no longer getting any younger and you can’t wait for a graduate who is just starting life.
Emeka spoils you while he is in the village. You both keep in touch as he leaves for “the abroad”. You don’t see him again but you still talk on phone. You are now both engaged and you are happy, you are dating a guy in Indonesia with an American accent.
Two years pass, you’ve seen Emeka only once. Because body no be wood, you have a side boo in your town who lubricates the engine when the oga is not around. But you are still engaged. You are getting impatient. You were 23 two years ago but now you are 35, or you feel 35. You nag, whine, write three different please-hide-my-Identity messages to “Dear Amanda”. Sacrifice 2 goats as burnt offering to the Fadalurd above. After some months, your prayer is answered. He fixes a wedding date but cannot attend the wedding because of work. So you just do the wedding with his enlarged picture anyway. That picture he was wearing a suit, that one. That’s the one you kiss when it’s time to “kiss the bride”.
After three months, no Emeka. You realize you are now a western union wife. Another series of Dear Amanda messages, burnt offerings and pastor visits, God finally touches Emeka’s heart to come home. He comes home for a few months to get you pregnant and go back. When he goes back, the real Lord – not my “Fadalurd” – decides to remember you this time and release you from your misery. You somehow realize that Emeka has two beautiful children with his abroad wife of 10 years now. Your eyes will now clear.
You finally wake up, after 300 posts cursing Emeka and other men specifically, you decide to join the Association of Online Feminists of Nigeria. Dear sister, Kolewerk. You are not a feminist, you are just an aggrieved mega idiot who hates men, and that is not feminism.
Christmas is coming, if you like, follow abroad husband and go